It's 2017 and my mother has been gone a very long time. In this time I have experienced another passing that is fresher and new. This passing wasn't of my own family bloodline but of my husband's side- my mother in law.
Death is amazing. It has a way of tearing inside you peering into your cavity and ripping out your heart- just to see it's working and then replaces it within you all over again.
Just when I thought the pain of losing someone was buried way back behind my deepest places. Another death comes forth. It's like my creator stated without words- Cyndi, you can't just forget, I won't allow you to become numb- YOU ARE BETTER THAN THAT.
But, I don't want to be better than that. I want to forget deaths reach. I want to plummet into my own type of healing or maybe allow a part of me to quietly die. Nope, my mother in law came to live with us after her stroke. I did not see this coming. One day my husband gets a call from a doctor in Oklahoma and my world opens up and threatens to swallow me and my numbness.
The doctor tries to explain to my husband over the phone that his mother has been in their care at such and such hospital. My husband gets overwelmed so he hands me the phone ( strong spirit that I am) takes the phone and asks all the right questions and I listen intently. The doc explains how my mother in law has has a stroke, was found by someone outside her apartment building and she came here with just her pocketbook.
She has had some memory issues and is weak. We both( my husband and I) cry abit. This woman had been a rock for my husband most of his life. He only knew her as strong and competent. I think we were in shock. We didn't know what to do really. Neither one of us was considered family oriented. I have a great love for my own children, my parents and a handful of family members always close to my heart- but for me most of my family that I felt close to had passed already. My grandmother, grandfather, cousin Joey all on my mothers side. On my fathers side was Auntie Joanie, who also passed.
I have other cousins on my fathers side but we seldom if ever have seen each other since we were teens. So no love seems to be missing- if you don't remember having it. My cousin Antonio seems to be my singular thread back to those fond memories with my cousins , aunt and uncle. For my husband, he has a tumultuous life. I can't say he has strong family bonds even close to mine. This mother was his fondest memory of everything that was good in his life in terms of family. His mother brought all goodness he had really known to him, whereas, no one else did.
Now we had to think of a way to help her. She was alone, in another state and 89 years old with a stroke. The thing is she survived cancer twice but lost both breast at a time when reconstructive surgery was not an automatic option. Still she seemed somewhat vibrant. She lived in a senior community and did well on her own with friends and partners around her.
Now it was my husband's time to be there for her. He geared up to have us travel to her and bring her home with us so we could care for her. Something I wanted to do wholeheartedly at first. Then the idea of sickness and death sank into my thoughts- I got scared inside but didn't show it too much outside. I remained supportive only throwing in alot of "what if's" to my husbands ideas.
In the end I was the main caretaker of my mother in law. I healed her through long talks, laughs and many teary conversations. I was her constant companion for 1 year of her life. I fed, clothed and washed her. I shopped for special foods for her demanding dietary needs( later on we found out she was dying) and her mood swings that related to having a stroke of the brain.
It was a long year, It may have been more like 9 months. That's me subconsciously forgetting dates and times to protect my heart and my mind. Yea, I believe it was like 9 ish months. It doesn't matter, in the end it seemed like 1000 years and a day late.
My mother in law died January 27th of 2016. Here comes the pain again.
Death is amazing. It has a way of tearing inside you peering into your cavity and ripping out your heart- just to see it's working and then replaces it within you all over again.
Just when I thought the pain of losing someone was buried way back behind my deepest places. Another death comes forth. It's like my creator stated without words- Cyndi, you can't just forget, I won't allow you to become numb- YOU ARE BETTER THAN THAT.
But, I don't want to be better than that. I want to forget deaths reach. I want to plummet into my own type of healing or maybe allow a part of me to quietly die. Nope, my mother in law came to live with us after her stroke. I did not see this coming. One day my husband gets a call from a doctor in Oklahoma and my world opens up and threatens to swallow me and my numbness.
The doctor tries to explain to my husband over the phone that his mother has been in their care at such and such hospital. My husband gets overwelmed so he hands me the phone ( strong spirit that I am) takes the phone and asks all the right questions and I listen intently. The doc explains how my mother in law has has a stroke, was found by someone outside her apartment building and she came here with just her pocketbook.
She has had some memory issues and is weak. We both( my husband and I) cry abit. This woman had been a rock for my husband most of his life. He only knew her as strong and competent. I think we were in shock. We didn't know what to do really. Neither one of us was considered family oriented. I have a great love for my own children, my parents and a handful of family members always close to my heart- but for me most of my family that I felt close to had passed already. My grandmother, grandfather, cousin Joey all on my mothers side. On my fathers side was Auntie Joanie, who also passed.
I have other cousins on my fathers side but we seldom if ever have seen each other since we were teens. So no love seems to be missing- if you don't remember having it. My cousin Antonio seems to be my singular thread back to those fond memories with my cousins , aunt and uncle. For my husband, he has a tumultuous life. I can't say he has strong family bonds even close to mine. This mother was his fondest memory of everything that was good in his life in terms of family. His mother brought all goodness he had really known to him, whereas, no one else did.
Now we had to think of a way to help her. She was alone, in another state and 89 years old with a stroke. The thing is she survived cancer twice but lost both breast at a time when reconstructive surgery was not an automatic option. Still she seemed somewhat vibrant. She lived in a senior community and did well on her own with friends and partners around her.
Now it was my husband's time to be there for her. He geared up to have us travel to her and bring her home with us so we could care for her. Something I wanted to do wholeheartedly at first. Then the idea of sickness and death sank into my thoughts- I got scared inside but didn't show it too much outside. I remained supportive only throwing in alot of "what if's" to my husbands ideas.
In the end I was the main caretaker of my mother in law. I healed her through long talks, laughs and many teary conversations. I was her constant companion for 1 year of her life. I fed, clothed and washed her. I shopped for special foods for her demanding dietary needs( later on we found out she was dying) and her mood swings that related to having a stroke of the brain.
It was a long year, It may have been more like 9 months. That's me subconsciously forgetting dates and times to protect my heart and my mind. Yea, I believe it was like 9 ish months. It doesn't matter, in the end it seemed like 1000 years and a day late.
My mother in law died January 27th of 2016. Here comes the pain again.